Cody Maher: ‘Nightmare Entering the Country’

Border security is so much in the news these days that my staff of thousands was desperate for comic relief. Then this scenario came over the transom from Cody Maher. Bingo!

A vaudevillian routine with foreign-born American security agents

Passport … yes I see, you away a long time, where you go?
where I go?
yes, where you go?
you mean where have I been
yeah, where you been?
I been away
away what?
no, away where
away what away where what’s the difference, you back, what you doing back?
I was born here
you want a medal, Joey, we got any medals back there for this guy?
we got handcuffs
you wanna a handcuff, I give you a cuff in the hand
look, I been away a long time,
you can say that again, this don’t look like you
I don’t look like me
you a funny boy, hey Joey we got a funny boy here, you know what we do with funny boys don’t you?
what do you do with them?
we have a good laugh and you know how we get the good laugh?
we tickle the shit out of them, then we screw their mother
look, this is nothing more than a nightmare all right? you are nothing more than a nightmarish cartoon, and it’s a bad Italian accent
my father was Russian, he would spit in your face, he fought the faciste
look, my mother is dead, I came back to pay my respects
what you doing then with the champagne, that how you do respect?
I promised her
you going to drink it yourself at the grave or what?
she said to bring a bottle of french champagne back with me if i went through france
look, you mind or no mind, time to take the clothes off
my clothes off?
something don’t look right with the face, we compare the face to the…what do we compare it to Joey?
the ass
yes, we a compare the face to the ass and then when it works out

when what works out?
when they go together then you get the stamp on the forehead
look, nobody is gonna believe this, it’s just a nightmarish —
you call it what you want funny boy, first we take a few questions
what kind of questions?
you could say a kind of intelligence test, now, you have been away looks like here more than half the adult life, what that say about the character trait, you look in the mirror lately Mister Lane?
not lately
good that the mother don’t see it
don’t see what?
the guilt written all over. Mister Lane, what do you take for religion?
what do you mean take?
what you have for one?
I was Catholic
so, you turn your back on your religion like you turn on your country now you come back to lay on government paycheck
look, you have to excuse me for saying this, but your English is bad, this is a nightmare, I think it’s time to wake up
look mister, you come to this country, you pay no tax, you cheat the country from its pockets and then you expect red carpet, we give you a red carpet right Joey, for your money, what money you got?
I don’t have any money
what you want to do here, live off remains the dead mother, you got address where you stay?
yes, here it is
we run a check on it, Joey, you want to look this up?
now, while we waiting, before the pants come down, just outta the record… thanks Joey… so, it looks bad Mister Lane, your address no longer exists, this friend has been arrested, caught red handed so to say
look, as soon as this nightmare is over you won’t exist
yes my friend, but how do they put the words in it… “many nightmare outlive those that have them…

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