The message below was received several weeks ago. Due to an editorial oversight, the staff failed
to take note of it at the time.
Dear Straight Up:
Thank you so much for your support!
Due to the enormous influx of avid patrons, The Endangered Species Restaurant is now hiring additional
staff in the following categories:
Thick-Skinned Cooks (Oceolt roasting exp.) (2)
Appetizer Cleansers (4)
Rare-Bird Watchers (6)
Samoan Skink Hunters (pending)
Firemen (barbecue experience) (6)
Opportunites: (w/ hazardous duty overtime)
Environmentally Sound Lawyers (7)
Getaway Drivers with armed Humvee permits
No background checks or drug tests! Remain anonymous! However, all applicants must sign
a series of waivers.
Dear Mr. Subiet,
Thank you for your message. But you mistake the item about The Endangered
Species Restaurant. It was neither support of nor endorsement for the profligate waste and
shameless consumption represented by your restaurant. It does occur to me, however, that you
may have set a trend. Your restaurant brings to mind a new feature in the revamped New York
magazine, which its editors tout as “an upscale/downscale, uptown/downtown multipurpose tool
for extracting the maximum amount of pleasure from the city.”
In the New York Observer last week, Tom Scocca’s summary of that feature gave an idea of
the goodies on offer:
Fur-bearing species and their post-mortem habitats:
(Mustela vison)—trim on alligator slingbacks at Judith Lieber
lotor)—trim on Andrew Mark coat
Rabbit (Oryctolagus cuniculus)—Alexander McQueen
Vintages and prices of Chateau d’Yquem discussed:
1923, $2,013.75 per
1983, $100 per glass (includes dessert)
Average price of featured parkas:
Non-waterproof and/or uncomfortable:
Some things between $300 and $400, in order of ascending
Top-of-the-line Joan Vass linen shirt ($300)
Liberty copper-and-leather bowl ($300)
Trip to Isiah Thomas’ hairdresser
Sodium tetradecyl sulfate injections to treat spider veins (initial session)
Double room at On the Ave Hotel ($375)
Beauty day at Bergdorf Goodman
Bottom-of-the-line Vita-Mix 5000 blender ($399)
It seems to me that Mr. Socca, by compiling his list, no more intended to endorse the
conspicuous consumption represented by New York magazine than I intended to support the
cultish tastes of The Endangered Species Restaurant.
Sincerely, etc. etc.
Postscript: “Thank you for publishing our job offerings, and due to
your kind endorsement [huh?] we have filled the White Buffalo Skinner position. Don’t Regret the
Future!” — Mort Subiet, ESR Special Events Coordinator, Jackson Hole, Wy.