GOD AND YOU

Given Tom DeLay's pious horseshit, Bill Frist's equally pious participation in an upcoming church-sponsored telecast to portray the Democratic "opposition to certain judicial nominees" as an assault on "people of faith" -- not to mention the election of the new pope Benedict XVI -- my staff of thousands thought it useful to post "God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire," even though I'm still on holiday in the Pacific. It arrived by e-mail and is a variation of another questionnaire that is widely distributed on the Web. I think it's silly and childish. But everything looks that way to me from my island paradise in the Pacific.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

In order to better serve your needs and the needs of people of faith, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

How did you find out about God?

___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Television
___ Divine inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Burning shrubbery

Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

Please describe the problems you have encountered with your God.

___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Plays dice with the universe

What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed to feel morally superior

Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God fooled you?

___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Ronald Reagan
___ Mushrooms

If you believe God attempts to maintain a balanced mix of catastrophes and miracles, please rate God's handling of the following, on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

Natural disasters: 1 2 3 4 5
Man-made calamities: 1 2 3 4 5
Wars: 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5
Dubya: 1 2 3 4 5