DANGEROUS CUSTOMS

The following message arrived a while ago, but was overlooked due to an editorial lapse:

Dear Straight Up:

Thank you so much for your support! Due to the enormous influx of avid patrons, The Endangered Species Restaurant is now hiring additional staff in the following categories:

Thick-Skinned Cooks (Oceolt roasting exp.) (2)
Wild-Animal Poachers (6)
Appetizer Cleansers (4)
Rare-Bird Watchers (6)
White-Buffalo Skinners (1)
Samoan Skink Hunters (pending)
Firemen (barbecue experience) (6)

Opportunites: (w/ hazardous duty overtime)

Environmentally Sound Lawyers (7)
Getaway Drivers with armed Humvee permits (12)

No background checks or drug tests! Remain anonymous! However, all applicants must sign a series of waivers.

Sincerely,

Mort Subiet
Special Events Coordinator
2001 Buttes Bluff
Jackson Hole, Wyoming

Dear Mr. Subiet,

Thank you for your message. But you mistake the item. CULTISH TASTES was neither support for nor endorsement of the profligate waste and shameless consumption represented by your restaurant.

It does occur to me, however, that you may have begun a trend. Your restaurant brings to mind a new feature in the revamped New York magazine, which is being touted as "an upscale/downscale, uptown/downtown multipurpose tool for extracting the maximum amount of pleasure from the city."

Tom Scocca's summary of that magazine feature in the New York Observer (third item) gave an idea of the extracted goodies:

Fur-bearing species and their post-mortem habitats:
Mink (Mustela vison)—trim on alligator slingbacks at Judith Lieber
Raccoon (Procyon lotor)—trim on Andrew Mark coat
Rabbit (Oryctolagus cuniculus)—Alexander McQueen coat

Vintages and prices of Chateau d'Yquem discussed:
1923, $2,013.75 per bottle
1983, $100 per glass (includes dessert)

Average price of featured parkas:
Non-waterproof and/or uncomfortable: $427.75
Waterproof,comfortable: $1,454.20

Some things between $300 and $400, in order of ascending price:
Top-of-the-line Joan Vass linen shirt ($300)
Bottom-of-the-line Bennett Liberty copper-and-leather bowl ($300)
Trip to Isiah Thomas' hairdresser ($350)
Sodium tetradecyl sulfate injections to treat spider veins (initial session) ($375)
Double room at On the Ave Hotel ($375)
Beauty day at Bergdorf Goodman ($393)
Bottom-of-the-line Vita-Mix 5000 blender ($399)

It seems to me that Mr. Socca, by offering his list, no more intended to endorse the conspicuous consumption that New York magazine represents than I intended to support the grotesque profanation of nature represented by The Endangered Species Restaurant.

Acceptez, s'il vous plaît, mes sentiments les plus distingués, etc. etc.