TWO DEMAGOGUES WITH 76 TRUMBONES

The Republican Convention starred two different kinds of demagogues last night: Zell Miller, a pit bull who looked as ugly and vicious as he sounded, and Dick Cheney, an oily conman who played the role of wise old grandpa. But their goal was the same: the character assassination of John Kerry.

Miller -- who had the gall to demand, "Where is the bipartisanship in this country when we need it most?" -- delivered a rant of outright lies about the Democratic nominee for president, i.e., "Senator Kerry has made it clear that he would use military force only if approved by the United Nations. Kerry would let Paris decide when America needs defending."

Cheney -- a notorious grump who climbed out of his bunker for the election campaign -- peppered his attack with canned laugh lines like this: "On Iraq, Senator Kerry has disagreed with many of his fellow Democrats. But [his] liveliest disagreement is with himself."

Bunker Boy also had the gall to claim that the smirking cock of the walk in the White House is a gentle "person of loyalty and kindness" who "brings out these qualities in those around him." Hard as it is to believe his Republican bunk -- see Exhibit A -- he also claimed, against all evidence, that the cock of the walk is "a man with a heart for the weak, and the vulnerable, and the afflicted" who "has acted with patience and calm."

If River City had a Harold Hill Hokum Award, that performance would win it hands down.