Like Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road, we’re off to see the wizards of “What We Stand For,” a two-day conference featuring Paul
Krugman, Gary Hart, Jim Fallows, Sandy Berger, Eliot Spitzer, Barbara Ehrenreich, Kevin
Phillips, Robert Reich, Joe Trippi and many more from the Land of Is.
In our absence, here are some excerpts from a memo by one of our fave columnists, Bruce
Feirstein, channeling Karl Rove’s updates of new “White
House-approved media buzzwords”:
+ Abu Grhaib prison. Henceforth, this will be known as the “Khalil Gibran/Dale
Earnhardt Jr. vocational-training facility and recreational center.” As John Kerry himself asked:
“Who among us does not like NASCAR?”
+ “Liberators.” This remains the
preferred terminology to describe our presence in Iraq, as opposed to “bungling clueless
superpower.”
+ “American war criminals.” Please substitute “Overzealous
patriots.”
+ “Independent contractors” remains our preferred appellation.
“Mercenaries,” “hired guns,” “Halliburton employees” or “crazed good ol’ boys operating outside
any known moral or legal authority” are not acceptable synonyms.
+ “Prisoners of
war.” Better to say “Guests of interest.”
+ “War Crimes,” “Atrocities,”
“Human-rights violations,” “Torture,” “Softening up prisoners for interrogation.” The
preferred description is “intelligence-gathering activities.” But if pressed, use “Having a frank and
honest chat with our ‘guests of interest.'”
+ “A world of hurt.” Avoid. Please
substitute “An unfortunate and unforseeable blip on the road to success.”
+ “Chain of
command.” Obsolete.
+ “Swatting flies.” Inoperative.
+ “Imminent
threat.” Banished.
+ “Boots on the ground.” Expunged. (Alas, it seems that
certain “independent contractors” mistook this to mean “boots on the prisoner’s head.”)
+
Presidential daily briefing. The P.D.B. will henceforth be known as “USA Today.” If you
get a chance, stop by to say hello to ace journalist Jack Kelley, who’s been brought in to edit
it.
+ “Unknown unknowns.” Now that we know what said “unknown unknowns” are
(i.e., white trash gone wild in Abu Ghraib prison), this phrase will be dropped from our
lexicon.
+ “It’s possible.” As per use by Donald Rumsfeld: “Not a chance.”
Future updates are pending, we hope. This morning even strait-laced William Powers
offers a faux news summary,
Rummy-style. And finally, for anyone who needs reminding: “The Wrong
Direction” gets it right.
