THE MOLLY IVINS TOUCH

Nothing like a combination of nitrous oxide and Stan Getz to get the week off to a relaxing start, even if it had to begin this morning in the dentist's chair. Anyway, getting back to reality ...

It's well known that Molly Ivins has the president's number. The current issue of Mother Jones reminds us with her latest piece, which is not online yet. But it's too good to recommend without giving a substantial taste of her wisdom.

Ivins has known Bush slightly since high school and has "studied him closely as [Texas] governor," she writes. "What we have here is a man shaped by three intertwining strands of Texas culture, combined with huge blinkers of class. The three Texas themes are religiosity, anti-intellectualism and machismo."

Let's assume the religiosity is genuine: no one is in a position to know otherwise. ... The anti-intellectualism is also authentic. This is a grudge Bush has carried at least since his college days when he felt looked down on as a frat boy by more cerebral types. Despite his pedigree and prep schools, he ran into Eastern stereotypes of Texans at Yale, a common experience at Ivy Schools at that time. ...

The machismo is what I suspect is fake. Bush is just another upper-class white boy trying to prove he's tough. The minute he is questioned, he becomes testy and defensive. That's one reason they won't let him hold many press conferences.

One of the savviest writers around, Ivins can also be one of the funniest. Witness her current best seller "Bushwacked" and the previous one, "Shrub" (both co-written with Lou Dubose). But Ivins doesn't offer sparkling gems of wit in the Mother Jones piece because she doesn't need to. The straight dope is striking enough. What she provides is a clear appreciation of the president's character and personal history. If we've heard the tale of Bush's privileged background before from others, no matter. Ivins tells it best:

Jim Hightower's great line about Bush, "Born on third and thinks he hit a triple," is still painfully true. Bush simply never acknowledged that not only was he born with a silver spoon in his mouth -- he's been eating off it ever since. The reason there is no noblesse oblige about Dubya is because he doesn't admit to himself or anyone else that he owes his entire life to being named George W. Bush. He didn't just get a head start by being his father's son -- it remained the single most salient fact about him for most of his life. He got into Andover as a legacy. He got into Yale as a legacy. He got into Harvard Business School as a courtesy (he was turned down by the University of Texas Law School). He got into the Air National Guard -- and sat out Vietnam -- through Daddy's influence. ... Bush was set up in the oil business by friends of his father. He went broke and was bailed out by friends of his father. He went broke again and was bailed out again by friends of his father; he went broke yet again and was bailed out by some fellow Yalies.

No second acts in American life? I'm ready for more laughing gas.