PAUL FORD:

THE MOST RADICAL WRITER IN AMERICA


If I were lucky enough to be teaching a Freshman expos-lit course, I’d bring this in (from 5/02/06):



Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, released a video
in which he showed his face and claimed that the Bush Administration had
lied about its military victories. “America,” said Zarqawi, “will go out
of Iraq, humiliated, defeated.” The United States announced that it
would free 141 of the 490 “enemy combatants”
at the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba because they do not threaten U.S.
security after all. In Dahab, Egypt, three bombings killed 30 people,
and in Baquba, Iraq, about the same number of people died in fighting.
President George W. Bush pointed out that not drilling in the Arctic
National Wildlife Refuge was depriving the United States of one million
barrels of oil per day, and it was reported that Iraq’s oil production
had dropped by one million barrels per day since the U.S. invasion. In
New York City tens of thousands of people marched against the war in
Iraq, and in Washington, D.C., five members of Congress, all Democrats,
were arrested outside the Sudanese embassy for protesting the genocide
in Darfur. It was revealed that in 2005 the FBI had, without court
approval, obtained from bank and credit card companies and telephone and
Internet companies information on 3,501 U.S. citizens and legal
residents. Iran, under criticism for its nuclear program, accused the
United States of using “illegitimate and open threats to use force
against the Islamic Republic of Iran.” Scientists in Florida were
working to improve a “brain port” device that will allow soldiers to
perceive things through their tongues. New construction began at Ground
Zero.



A Quebec family was offering a reward for their mother’s head, which had
been hacked from her corpse a year ago. “Each morning,” said one family
member, “when we get up, we ask ourselves: ‘Where is the head? Will it
show up on our lawn one morning?'” Chinese bra producers were offering
larger sizes to meet increased demand, China announced that it would ban
heavy snorers from its army, and a Chinese man used eBay to buy an old
MiG fighter jet to decorate his office. It was reported that lobbyists
had once provided former (now imprisoned) Representative Randy “Duke”
Cunningham with free limousine service, free access to hotel suites, and
the services of prostitutes; it was also reported that the limousine
service that was used to ferry the prostitutes had received a contract
worth
$21 million from the Department of Homeland Security. The Louisiana
state senate approved a bill that bans abortion except when the
procedure can save a woman’s life; an amendment to allow exceptions in
the cases of women who have been raped or are victims of incest was
defeated. It was reported that the Vatican might permit people with AIDS
to use condoms, if they are married, although abstinence would still be
preferred. A Vatican official also called on Catholics to boycott the
“Da Vinci Code”
movie. In Singapore an 18-year-old man, ashamed of his small penis,
committed suicide by jumping from a building, and President Bush named
Tony Snow, a Fox News host, as the new White House press secretary. The
U.S. military, short of buglers who can play taps at military funerals,
was waiting for an order of 700 automated $500 digital bugles. After
15,000 tries a California scientist was able to teach starlings some
grammar.



A farmer in Brazil pleaded guilty to killing a 73-year-old nun; the
farmer had been paid by two ranchers to shoot the nun after she
attempted to stop the ranchers from clearing a section of rainforest.
The Mexican senate passed a bill legalizing the possession of small
amounts of marijuana, opium, cocaine, and heroin; President Vicente Fox
was expected to approve the bill. In Loreto, Mexico, a 17-year-old boy
was killed at a horse race when he attempted to stop a horse from
reaching the finish line by jumping in front of it, and in Denver,
Colorado, a 17-year-old boy on his first bucking bronco ride was killed
when the horse rolled on top of him. “It was,”
said his mother, “his first and last ride.” A couple in Milford
Township, Pennsylvania, were suing a veterinarian for faking the death
of their dog and then giving the dog to someone else. A wheelchair-bound
woman in Florida, who refused to put down a knife and a hammer, died
after being tasered by policemen, and a Liverpool, England, man was
sentenced to 100 hours of community service for getting drunk and
singing “YMCA” on a flight from Florida to Manchester while his wife
wept and comforted their three children. “He makes no excuses,” said the
man’s lawyer, “for his loutish, idiotic behavior.” Jane Jacobs and John
Kenneth Galbraith died. Twenty percent of U.S. teenagers admitted to
huffing household products in order to get high, and Keith Richards fell
out of a coconut tree.



— Paul Ford