Mommy is just like the Ugly Duckling. But hotter and with a thong.

My Beautiful Mommy, the children's book that fills a need -- the need for women with breast implants to explain to their kids how and why they were suddenly transformed.

I foresee a second volume in which the little girl, inspired by her heroic mother, spends three days locked in the bathroom weepingly obsessing over her own nose -- then, in a uplifting twist, saves up her bake sale money to buy rhinoplasty. "And while you've got me on the table, Dr. Michael, how about fitting me for a nice pair of breasts -- I can't wait for puberty to do all the work." (For the movie I see Dakota Fanning in the lead and Danny DeVito as the left implant. Just throwing that out there.) ...

Then again, I probably shouldn't be too critical. This book does give a real boost to my efforts to publish my manuscript My Drunk Bitter Daddy, which -- in a frank and entertaining way -- answers a young son's questions about why his Daddy comes home drunk and bitter. "You see, as I got older, my wife got huge fake boobs and left me for a pool boy named Raoul..."