Artworld Luminaries’ 2009 Resolutions

Here's my more-naughty-than-nice list of what some artworld boldface names have vowed to do in the New Year. Few have fulfilled their 2008 Resolutions, but hope springs eternal.

Tom Campbell: As the Met's new director, I will institute casual Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, but I will designate Fridays as "Dress Like Philippe Day." I will also aspire to implement all of CultureGrrl's Ten Suggestions, especially the fourth one, which I will fulfill by granting her an early in-depth interview (not one of the kid-in-the-candy-store variety).

Damien Hirst: To fearlessly confront the terrors of financial mortality, I will orchestrate another one-artist auction at Sotheby's entitled, "The Physical Impossibility of the Death of the Art Market in the Mind of Someone Selling." It will consist entirely of "dot" and "spin" paintings embalmed in tanks of formaldehyde.

Michael Govan: Since I failed in my bold attempt to annex LA MOCA, I will now adopt the model of my mentor, Tom Krens, by announcing a new quest to conquer the struggling Dia Art Foundation, which I formerly headed. It will become the Los Angeles County Museum's first East Coast satellite.

Tom Krens: Far from laying low after relinquishing the directorship of the Guggenheim, I will deliver the Apr. 2 keynote address on "The Global Museum" at the three-day seminar on museum law offered by American Law Institute-American Bar Association. (This one is true.)

Adam Weinberg: Since our $680-million fundraising campaign for the 185,000-square-foot Downtown Whitney has been in the "silent phase" so long as to seem moribund, I will turn the property over to Michael Govan, who confided that he'd like to renovate the Premier Veal (Lamb Too) facility for a new Dia Meatpacking exhibition space.

Jeremy Strick: I will write a tell-all book: "How I Ran the World's Greatest Contemporary Art Museum with a Snazzy Vuitton Boutique but Hardly Any Cash."

Philippe de Montebello: I will not write a tell-all book...unless Harold Holzer finds me sufficiently Lincolnesque and decides to ghostwrite.

William Ruprecht: Instead of handing over to sellers a slice of the buyer's premium, I will henceforth offer them options to buy Sotheby's stock at January 2008 prices.

Mitchell Kahan, director, Akron Art Museum: I will provide complimentary double espressos for the guard, below, whom CultureGrrl caught napping in our little-visited 19th- and early 20th-century galleries in the old wing (which has been dramatically upstaged by the new Coop Himmelb(l)au-designed wing for contemporary art):


The unguarded guard (who first urged me to let him know if I wanted to sit down) and the Global Krens are both fact. As for the rest---just kidding!