Can you stand this much silliness? It came in an email message. We’ve been holding back on
\nit, but somehow that seems wrong. So here’s the “first final” list of events for the Republican
\nNational Convention in New York City:<\/P>
\n
August 30<\/STRONG><\/P> 6 p.m.: OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a spiked leather * TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.<\/P> * LEST WE FORGET — HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends of) * ANTONIN SCALIA speaks — “SLAVERY – THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR * DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE — Opening Bid 1,000,000 (cash, * CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — FILM – “BRING IT ON!” Stirring fictionalized * SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — “GET BAKED WITH RUSH “Crankster” August 31<\/STRONG><\/P> 6 p.m.: OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H. Christ, as * TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.<\/P> * WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett’s Kentucky Long Rifle out of Charlton * DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic Muslim, * CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to * SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — “RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH “Big Oxy” September 1<\/STRONG><\/P> 6 p.m.: OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate * TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED.<\/P> * THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will * ANN COULTER, BILL O’REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special * CLIMAX OF THE EVENING — DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE * SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT — GET WRECKED WITH RUSH “Kicker” September 2<\/STRONG> (nomination night)<\/P> 6 p.m.: OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will * TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine Red, and ANNOUNCES * CONVENTION SHIFTS TO “GROUND ZERO” — DICK CHENEY will introduce and * PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama’s dead FIRST PEEK — Here is the proposed text for President Bush’s speech:<\/P> “Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers trust my gut POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:<\/P> * “GET MAXED with RUSH “ROCKET CAP” LIMBAUGH!” (Sponsored by * RICK SANTORUM ‘DOG ON DOG’ PETTING ZOO (adults only, please).<\/P> * BILL O’REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD, AND NOBEL * SPECIAL BUFFET — JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A KINDLE Can you stand this much silliness? It came in an email message. We’ve been holding back on it, but somehow that seems wrong. So here’s the “first final” list of events for the Republican National Convention in New York City: August 30 6 p.m.: OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-709","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-main","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbvgEs-br","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/709","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=709"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/709\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=709"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=709"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=709"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n
\nstrap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.<\/P>
\n
\n
\nBush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam If It Hadn’t Been For
\nNasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches, and Highly-Placed,
\nOverly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)<\/P>
\n
\nFOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS! (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)<\/P>
\n
\nnon-sequential bills 20’s or less).<\/P>
\n
\nre-creation of Mr. Bush’s actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, where he showed the
\nincredible courage to allow “deep cleaning” of gums without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair
\nBroadcasting)<\/P>
\n
\nLIMBAUGH! (Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)<\/P>
\n
\n
\nchanneled by Lt. General William G. “Jerry” Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush
\nwas chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a
\nshort, upbeat presentation on Islam called, “My God can Beat Up Your God.”<\/P>
\n
\n
\nHeston’s cold dead fingers (subject to Heston’s death). (Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)<\/P>
\n
\nif we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn’t automatically disqualify you
\nfrom being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this —
\nmay need professional actor, possibly brought in from Third World country)<\/P>
\n
\ninvade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country to
\nBechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will
\ninvolve 200 out-sourced “consultants”, will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket
\nchange found in a White House couch.) (Sponsored by Halliburton)<\/P>
\n
\nLIMBAUGH!” Do a couple of ‘ringers’ with Big Pharma. (Sponsored by
\nROBITUSSIN)<\/P>
\n
\n
\nthe spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm) and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible
\nfiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian
\nnon-heterosexual non-Republicans.<\/P>
\n
\n
\npresent LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration
\ntax cuts. (Sponsored by Gulfstream)<\/P>
\n
\nTWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.<\/P>
\n
\nELECTION RETURNS — BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE
\nCAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur
\nH. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to
\nJamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)<\/P>
\n
\nLIMBAUGH. (Sponsored by Eli Lilly)<\/P>
\n
\n
\nthen sing “Let the Eagle Soar” and light the ceremonial “TORCH OF FREEDOM(tm) with the
\n(actual) Bill of Rights.<\/P>
\n
\nCAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.<\/P>
\n
\npersonally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA BIN
\nLADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT’S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre.
\n(Sponsored by NRA)<\/P>
\n
\nbody.<\/P>
\n
\n
\n9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11
\nDemocracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers
\nThings are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11
\nFreedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy
\nFreedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are
\ngreat Jesus speaks to me. G’night everybody!”<\/P>
\n
\n
\nGlaxoSmithKline)<\/P>
\n
\n
\nPEACE PRIZE.<\/P>
\n
\nOF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES.
\n(Sponsored by KRAFT “Thick N’ Spicy” BBQ Sauce)<\/P><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"