{"id":360,"date":"2003-08-29T09:40:42","date_gmt":"2003-08-29T16:40:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp\/2003\/08\/pimpalicious\/"},"modified":"2003-08-29T09:40:42","modified_gmt":"2003-08-29T16:40:42","slug":"pimpalicious","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/2003\/08\/pimpalicious.html","title":{"rendered":"PIMP-A-LICIOUS …"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s time for the Labor Day Weekend. But don’t leave just yet. In a minute-by-minute rundown
\nof last night’s ultraslick, ultraridiculous, ultra-important MTV Video
\nMusic Awards<\/EM><\/STRONG><\/FONT><\/A>, Ryan McGee has again
\ndemonstrated his encyclopedic knowledge of, and appropriately cynical attitude to, the kulcha of
\npop.<\/P>
\n

His real-time
\nreview<\/STRONG><\/EM><\/FONT><\/A>, a race “against the clock and Meta Carpal
\nSyndrome,” is a circus feat that you might think lowfalutin stuff. But I hope you notice the astute
\nreferences — clever, intricate, some more arcane than others, but all apt and insightful. It’s a
\nsumma cum laude display of essential knowledge for anyone who wants to understand America,
\ndude.
 
Fortified by a “super-sized Double Quarter Pounder” from
\nMcDonald’s and “the 460-ounce cup that comes with it” (apparently for his bottle of
\nBacardi), McGee settled in for the show and, like a true fan, the pre-show. Here are some
\nselected highlights:<\/P>
\n

EXCERPTS FROM THE PRE-SHOW
\nREVIEW<\/STRONG><\/EM><\/P>
\n

<\/p>\n

6:56 pm:<\/STRONG> Sweet Mary Mother of
\nGod. Christina Aguilera killed the flamingos from “Fantasia 2000” and is wearing their
\nskins. That ain’t right.<\/FONT> <\/P>
\n

7:14 pm:<\/STRONG> Kim Cattrall is inexplicably in this
\nEminem\/50 Cent montage. She’s like, the hottest 84-year-old ever. I can’t even believe she’s the
\ngirl in “Mannequin.” That came out in 1926, I think.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

7:20 pm:<\/STRONG> Does anyone know who actually
\nnominates and\/or votes on these awards? My theory is that MTV just goes out to an Arby’s at
\nlike 3 am and finds a few drunk people. It makes as much sense as any other
\ntheory.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

7:45 pm:<\/STRONG> OK, this can’t be topped. John Norris
\njust called Ludacris “Luda” without being ironic and asked him “how many G’s” his coat set him
\nback. OK, John, enough’s enough. Isn’t this why we have Homeland Security? To take out people
\nwho are harmful to my way of life? If John Norris has a job next year, then the terrorists have
\nalready won.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

<\/P>
\n

EXCERPTS FROM THE SHOW REVIEW<\/STRONG><\/EM><\/P>
\n

<\/p>\n

8:00 pm:<\/STRONG> They’ve recreated the
\noriginal set for Madonna’s 1984 “Like a Virgin” performance. A veiled woman appears atop the
\ncake. Lessee … amazingly off-key voice, sounds a bit like she’s out of breath already … hey, it’s
\nBritney Spears. She doesn’t even have to take the veil off for me to know that. <\/FONT><\/P>
\n

8:02 pm:<\/STRONG> She’s joined onstage by Christina
\nAguilera. Yes, these two are singing “Like a Virgin.” The entire country shouts at their television:
\n“How the HELL would you know?”<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

8:03 pm:<\/STRONG> Madonna appears. Furthering
\nunderstanding and smashing stereotypes, the cameras cut immediately to the cast of “Queer Eye.”
\nI’m watching Jai’s temple burst from excitement on live television.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

8:04 pm:<\/STRONG> So let me get this straight: Madonna
\nco-opted these two girls, put them in skanky wedding dresses, and then MAKES OUT with them?
\nWhew. For a second I thought Madonna was doing all this as a desperate attempt at relevance,
\nclinging to her last 5 minutes of fame like a wounded tiger, but I was wrong.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

8:05 pm:<\/STRONG> History may shed light on what
\nMissy was doing out there, but personally, I’m at a loss.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

8:06 pm:<\/STRONG> Well, that was weird. Kinda like
\nMTV’s version of “The Balcony.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

<\/P>
\n

MOVING RIGHT ALONG<\/EM><\/STRONG><\/P>
\n

<\/p>\n

8:21 pm:<\/STRONG> Missy Elliot’s “Work
\nIt” wins. Excellent. It’s good to see proper recognition for a song that deals with one of the most
\npressing problems today: the economy. Missy’s cry for job creation and economic stimulus
\npackages is to be commended. What? It’s not about that? What is it about? Oh. Um. Nevermind
\nthen.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

8:41 pm:<\/STRONG> More awards that were announced
\nduring the pre-show: “Best Use of An Artist Currently in Prison,” “Best Jailbait Video,” and “The
\nOnly Five Songs in Rotation Not Produced by Timbaland or The Neptunes.”<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

8:49 pm:<\/STRONG> Wait, Christina AGAIN? Didn’t we
\nalready fulfill our community service requirement during the first number? …<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

9:10 pm:<\/STRONG> P. Diddy wants us to pay respect to
\nthe memory of Barry White and Gregory Hines. He also announces that his next single will
\nfeature Barry White singing over Hines’ tapdancing featuring a special verse from Notorious
\nB.I.G. and a guitar solo from Robert Johnson.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

9:18 pm:<\/STRONG> Whoa. Watching 50 Cent try to
\nmake an acceptance speech is a little like watching a 2nd grader freeze up in his\/her first school
\nplay. Only the 2nd grader in this case is completely high.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

<\/P>
\n

THERE’S MORE<\/EM><\/STRONG><\/P>
\n

<\/p>\n

9:21 pm:<\/STRONG> We’re nearly 90
\nminutes into the show, and no Enrique sightings yet. So far, so good.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

9:50 pm:<\/STRONG> OK, I’m just gonna say this and move
\non: Jack Black is the guy that everyone pretended Chris Farley was. Man’s just amazing. Can’t
\nwait for “The School of Rock.” I’d pay $10 to watch this guy read the phone
\nbook.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

9:51 pm:<\/STRONG> If you can watch the video for
\n“Seven Nation Army” and not vomit, you’re got a better stomach than I do.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

9:53 pm:<\/STRONG> Linkin Park stuns the crowd and
\nwins “Best Rock Video.” Stuns them because everyone appears to have assumed they had already
\ndisbanded. (My only guess here is that the same demographic that eats at Arby’s also likes Linkin
\nPark.) Our attention spans are so short that MTV has planned to do the intro number as the
\nclosing one and is counting on no one noticing.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

10:00 pm:<\/STRONG> Duran Duran, Kelly Osbourne, and
\nAvril Lavinge. Or, as I like to call them, “The Supergroup That Nobody Asked For, Nobody
\nWants, and Really, It Would Make Most People More Comfortable If You Just Left
\nQuickly.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

<\/P>
\n

WE’RE ALMOST HOME<\/EM><\/STRONG><\/P>
\n

<\/p>\n

10:35 pm:<\/STRONG> Beyonce accidentally
\nhas wandered into a bad college modern dance piece and is now surrounded by a bunch of dudes
\nwho are covered head to toe in black. More than a bit odd. Next up: girls dancing around
\nin pillowcases, just watch.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

10:37 pm:<\/STRONG> So, lemmee get this straight: They
\nbleep out the word “blunt” but do a loving, up-close-and-personal, 25-girl, ass-shaking pan with
\nthe camera, so close I know what kind of wax they got this morning? American morals, people.
\nThey’re faaaaaaaaaantastic.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

10:45 pm:<\/STRONG> Anyone else think that Britney
\nSpears and Madonna have just been making out backstage for the last 3 hours, hoping someone
\nwould notice? Just me then? OK.<\/FONT><\/P>
\n

11:01 pm:<\/STRONG> Metallica just played 30-second
\ninstrumental versions of Lenny Kravitz’s “Are You Gonna Go My Way?,” Nirvana’s “Smells Like
\nTeen Spirit,” The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army,” and Michael Jackson’s “Beat It.” I don’t
\neven need to put a joke here, do I? Like shooting fish in a barrel.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/FONT>
\n

<\/P>Well, it was a long show, and that’s not the half of it. He watched it all, so
\nwe didn’t have to. Let’s give it up for a man with an iron constitution and a
\nmind of steel. 
\n

<\/P><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s time for the Labor Day Weekend. But don’t leave just yet. In a minute-by-minute rundown of last night’s ultraslick, ultraridiculous, ultra-important MTV Video Music Awards, Ryan McGee has again demonstrated his encyclopedic knowledge of, and appropriately cynical attitude to, the kulcha of pop. His real-time review, a race “against the clock and Meta Carpal Syndrome,” is a circus feat […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-360","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-main","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbvgEs-5O","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/360","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=360"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/360\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=360"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=360"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=360"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}