\nequally pious participation in an upcoming church-sponsored telecast<\/FONT><\/B><\/A> to
\nportray the Democratic “opposition to certain judicial nominees” as an assault on “people of faith”
\n— not to mention the election of the new pope Benedict XVI<\/FONT><\/A><\/B> — my
\nstaff of thousands thought it useful to post “God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire,”
\neven though I’m still on holiday in the Pacific. It arrived by e-mail and is a variation of
\nquestionnaire<\/B><\/STRONG><\/FONT><\/A> that is widely distributed on the Web. I think it’s
\nsilly and childish. But everything looks that way to me from my island paradise in the Pacific.<\/P>
\n
God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire<\/B><\/P>
\n
![](\"http:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/images\/jesuschristSUPERSTAR.jpg\"\nwidth=190)
<\/A>In order to better serve your needs and the needs of people
\nof faith, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.<\/P>
\n
How did you find out about God?<\/B><\/P>
\n
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___
\nTelevision
___ Divine inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea
\nscrolls
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public
\nRadio
___ Burning shrubbery<\/P>
\n
Which model God did you acquire?<\/B><\/P>
\n
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___
\nKrishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage
\n(Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia\/Mother Earth\/Mother
\nNature<\/P>
\n
Please describe the problems you have encountered with your God.<\/B><\/P>
\n
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in
\nspace\/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of
\nmarriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera,
\nJesse Helms)
___ Plays dice with the universe<\/P>
\n
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?<\/B><\/P>
\n
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by
\nsociety
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to
\nthink for self
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed to feel
\nmorally superior<\/P>
\n
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?<\/B><\/P>__
\nSelf-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Sex, drugs, and
\nrock ‘n’ roll
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__
\nCrystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
\n
<\/P>
\n
Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God fooled
\nyou?<\/B><\/P>
\n
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Ronald
\nReagan
___ Mushrooms<\/P>
\n
If you believe God attempts to maintain a balanced mix of catastrophes and miracles,
\nplease rate God’s handling of the following, on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 =
\nexcellent):<\/B><\/P>
\n
Natural disasters: 1 2 3 4 5
Man-made calamities: 1 2 3 4 5
Wars: 1 2 3 4
\n5
Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5
Dubya: 1 2 3 4 5<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Given Tom DeLay’s pious horseshit, Bill Frist’s equally pious participation in an upcoming church-sponsored telecast to portray the Democratic “opposition to certain judicial nominees” as an assault on “people of faith” — not to mention the election of the new pope Benedict XVI — my staff of thousands thought it useful to post “God’s Total […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-1090","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-main","7":"entry"},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pbvgEs-hA","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1090","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1090"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1090\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1090"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1090"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.artsjournal.com\/herman\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1090"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}