Shinji Kagawa yesterday scored the first hat-trick by an Asian footballer in the UK Premier League. A Japanese recruit from the Bundesliga, Kagawa replaced a Korean, Park Ji-Sung, who sought his fortune down south. There are plenty of Far East players in the world’s most-watched soccer league, all of them acquired expensively on merit. Kagawa cost something in the region of £12 million ($18m).
Which brings us, in a roundabout way, to the ever-tortured topic of the Vienna Philharmonic. We’ve been sent a post by a stand-up comedian, Tetsuro Shigematsu, who greets their arrival on a US tour with a range of ingenious solutions to that little exclusion problem. Among other suggestions, he assures the VPO that lots of Asian players would be happy to undergo cosmetic surgery in order to make themselves suitable for a seat in the ensemble. Here’s a sample: If you had the misfortune to be born to Asian parents who had classical music designs on you as a fetus, you never had a life. You never went to sleepovers. You missed your prom. In fact, you may still be a virgin!
Asian kids who spent 100,000+ hours weeping into their cellos would consider modifying their appearance to be a very small price to pay for a chance to play in the same hall where Mozart once conducted. Plus, lots of Asians are trying to look white anyhow. Kids from Tokyo all have rust colored hair, and epicanthic eyelid surgery is all the rage in Asia.
Interesting idea, but I have a less painful proposal. Why can’t Vienna buy a couple of used players from the UK Premier League? They’re quick, they shoot, they score, and they never get into the tabloids. They’re great for marketing (see above). Perfect solution.
Hang on, is that a woman conducting a football team? Forget it. This is the Vienna Philharmonic. We definitely don’t do women.