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March 28, 2007

The Art of Cinema Considered as "a Taquito Buffet That You Puke Up After Getting Hit With a Motorcycle"

It takes a talented writer to convey the thought processes of a bad writer. And so, now, some excerpts from the finest piece of prose I have encountered in a while -- Neil Compstun's review of Grindhouse, the pastische of exploitation films directed by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez.

It isn't even a movie - it's TWO movies with some trailers and stuff at the beginning, and also between the movies. The directors - more about them in a second (there's TWO!) - wanted to recreate the way movies were back in the 1920's, when you could sell a script that was one page that just said, "TITS THEN A MONSTER THEN MORE TITS THEN AN EXPLOSION THEN BONUS TITS" and everyone knew what you were talking about.

Also, there's zombies getting killed by a helicopter, which is not only cool to look at, but shows how the movie-makers did some research, to make things realistic.

To continue:

....they show a trailer for a movie I need to see RIGHT NOW with my eyes (I already saw it in my head when I was driving last week and Van Halen's "Panama" came on the radio and I'd just started eating a Payday). It's called MACHETE, and it's got that Mexican guy who's always in movies where there's people who really need knives stuck into them, and he's always, "Here, let's get those knives in you". Danny something.

Whatever his last name is, he should change it to, "Fuck-a-dilly" because everyone says that automatic when they see him, because he's going to bring the fuck-a-dilly to the movie, which will probably involve a foot, a face, and foot-face-fuckup. Also, Cheech from Cheech and The Chong is in the trailer, and he's a priest and he's shooting people, which is ironic, I think.

Then the first movie starts. It's called PLANET OF TERROR, and it's about a planet (which looks a lot like Earth) that's made of pure terror. Here's how shit-scream terrorizing it is: there's these mutated kill-monsters, but even BEFORE they show up there's all this fucking terror. Like a doctor who wants to kill his doctor wife, and the doctor wife is always sticking these three needles into people which fucks them up, and there's a sheriff who's played by that Reese guy from TERMINATOR robot. The sheriff looks like he's always going to kill someone by crushing a bunch of walnuts in his mouth and spitting the shells through their skull.

Half of criticism, as someone once said, is a knack for aptness of characterization.

(via Unfogged)

Posted by smclemee at March 28, 2007 10:58 AM