A Tale of Titian and Philip

Usually Titian painted commissions for wealthy patrons. It comes as no surprise that this is how he came to paint Venus With a Mirror. But when Titian died, Venus With a Mirror was in his personal collection, apparently having been rejected by several patrons. Here, revealed for the first time, is the true story of how Titian came to keep Venus.

The year is 1555. Tiziano Vecellio is presenting a painting to his patron, Philip II of Spain. Phil sits silently as the artist, now better known as Titian, pulls a curtain away from the painting, revealing it for the first time. Philip nods, but expresses no other emotions.

"You don't like it, P2?" Titian asks, using his pet name for Philip.

"Well, it's, uh, it's..."

"Say what you think, Phil, I can take it." Titian began to look a little nervous.

"Well, er," Philip was rising to a full blush and stammered on for a moment before looking down. "Her breast, Tizi, her right breast is, is, uh... pruriently exposed."

Titian didn't know what pruriently meant, but it sounded bad so he gasped. He didn't quite understand... After all, breasts had been bared in art and performance for centuries. It never occurred to him that his patron would be such a prude about something so beautiful. But, of course, the last thing Titian wanted to do was offend his patron, so he searched his brain for an explanation.

"Oh, goodness!" Titian said, his eyes open wide for effect. "I'm so sorry! I hadn't noticed! I was just painting, and painting, and, well... I think, I think the model had a wardrobe malfunction and I was so busy painting I just didn't notice. "

Philip looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Titian continued.

"My lord, I am most apologetic. I could hardly have known that Venus' velvet robe would slip off of her torso. Obviously she didn't either -- she's clearly trying to cover up." Titian thought that last bit a rather good save.

Philip shook his head sternly and looked down at the artist. "It won't do, Tizi. It simply will not do."

Philip paused. He began to shake his head slowly, then with more vim, and finally his gesticulations became quite pronounced. Titian could see that Philip was either rising to anger or was providing a damn good facsimile thereof. "Tizi, Tizi, what will people think! If you walk around painting breasts -- breasts, Tizi! -- people will desire them! People will start dreaming of them! They'll start copulating in the, in the, in the streets, Tizi! We can't have commoners copulating in the streets!"

Titian thought about this. Given the amount of open sewage in the streets, this truly might not be a good thing. Still, it seemed to Titian that Philip ought to be more worried about raw sewage than about the representation of a beautiful breast on a piece of canvas.

"Golly Phil, I see what you mean. If people saw a breast and actually thought about copulating or anything like that, it could bring down the Spanish empire. I never thought of it that way."

Philip nodded wisely. "Tizi, people will talk. I'm going to have to punish you. I think I'll issue a stern statement proclaiming myself outraged and calling your painting offensive. We can't have breasts. You understand don't you?"