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April 19, 2005
GOD AND YOU
Given Tom DeLay's pious horseshit, Bill Frist's
equally pious participation in an upcoming church-sponsored telecast to
portray the Democratic "opposition to certain judicial nominees" as an assault on "people of faith"
-- not to mention the election of the new pope Benedict XVI -- my
staff of thousands thought it useful to post "God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire,"
even though I'm still on holiday in the Pacific. It arrived by e-mail and is a variation of
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
In order to better serve your needs and the needs of people
of faith, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
How did you find out about God?
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___
Television
___ Divine inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea
scrolls
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public
Radio
___ Burning shrubbery
Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___
Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage
(Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother
Nature
Please describe the problems you have encountered with your God.
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in
space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of
marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera,
Jesse Helms)
___ Plays dice with the universe
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by
society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to
think for self
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed to feel
morally superior
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
__ Self-help books__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God fooled you?
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Ronald
Reagan
___ Mushrooms
If you believe God attempts to maintain a balanced mix of catastrophes and miracles, please rate God's handling of the following, on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
Natural disasters: 1 2 3 4 5
Man-made calamities: 1 2 3 4 5
Wars: 1 2 3 4
5
Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5
Dubya: 1 2 3 4 5
Posted by at April 19, 2005 04:17 AM
